Matter of Hearts: How close is close enough..?!

“For my bestie…the closeness we share can never be defined by words”

I flipped the card on my desk with a sigh. A small message that she wrote on a small piece of paper brought back all the memories that I buried deep down in my mind. Everything started rolling back in my eyes, every word we shared, every silent second we doled out, every moment we spent together.

We were together for six months, may be a very long time to get close to someone, or may be too little time to become part of someone’s life.  

My days began with her messages, continued with her long calls, filled with her rhetoric words, chirpy giggling, emotional pauses and occasionally teary voice. My heart skipped a beat at her each giggle, it moved everytime I heard her sob. Before we knew we both became essential for each other, I thought so, perhaps.

But she started vanishing from my life, with the traces of her words waning off, her laugh confined to my ears and her smile ending up as a fragment of my imagination.

                               

As days passed on I realized, how difficult it was getting for me to live with her memories twanging in my heart. 

‘Did I get too close to her?’ I tried to reason with myself. Is this just her void in my life that’s hurting me or am I missing a part of me that I spent with her? 

May be I shouldn’t have become too dependent! Maybe I shouldn't have involved her in my life so much that I lose my own self! May be I got so close to her that her absence feels like….how I wish I could put it into words!!  

How close can one be with a person with an assurance that their absence will not hurt?

How close is close enough?  

Matter of Hearts: Being loved is an addiction!!

        I saw a couple walking beside me. They were not talking much but those smiling faces vouched for their happiness of being together. I was there too, walking with someone; feeling happy in someone’s presence. She was a friend, just a good friend, but her existence always made me feel lively. She isn’t a part of my life anymore; she just drifted away leaving me wondering why do I miss her so much even though she was just a friend; even though I have many friends around who love me too.
                     May be, because, being loved is an addiction!                         
                                                         

           Ever wondered why you feel that hollow space in your heart when your phone doesn’t ring like the other days, when the name that appeared on the screen consistently for months doesn’t pop up. The void you feel when a voice that was always in your ears calling out your name innumerable times seems lost in the silent noise. You get restless; you freak out thinking why you are not shown that love. That person might be your friend, alright, but why does that chill passes through your spine when that air of missing hugs you. Ever wondered what is it exactly that you are missing – that person or the feeling of being with them? The way they make you feel or their very existence makes you feel happy?

          To be honest, we are all selfish beings. It’s only the way they make us feel, the feeling of being with that person is what matters to us. We are all suckers for love! Let’s not deny that. We want love, we want to be loved. It is the most dangerous addiction – being loved is the most painful addiction. It might feel good as long as you have the source for it, but when it runs out and when you start to feel it drying up, it is then that it shows its vexing side. And yes, it hurts way too bad.

          When you see your friend moving away, when you realize that you both are drifting apart you sense a hard blow on your chest that you can’t explain. You try to hold on to that person, giving one more chance to your relationship. That is when you sense how deep you have sunk in that addiction. And you realize there’s no way out...!!

Do you remember that boulevard?!

Do you remember that boulevard?

The boulevard we walked upon,

             everyday of the yore

In the days of yore,

             when the words were endless, but

                        path was curt!!

Do you remember that boulevard?

That placid path, where

            legs felt meek

Every step we took, made

            us feel lighter

Perhaps, it helped us shed

            the onus that we carried

                        in our hearts

And buried it in itself with no dissent!!

Do you remember that boulevard?

Which when ended made us feel

            dejected and down

and when we looked into

            each other's eyes

Lips trembling to say,

'Is this it?

Is this the end of our amble together?

Why not steal away few more minutes?'

Instead, we smiled,

  'See you again!'

and we head ourselves saying!

Do you remember that boulevard?

Which we used to walk upon;

Unaware of the steps we took,

Ignorant of the direction we turned.

That boulevard, do you remember?

No one walks there now,

Not even me!

Afraid, it might confine me to

            those memories of us!

Afraid, it might author a rendezvous

            with those moments of warmth!

Rather, it lies there,

            silent and deserted;

Unfazed and gloomy,

            it stares at me

The calmess it holds is, as

            if to mock every sound,

            every secret of us

it clenched tight to its heart, for all this time!!

As I turned around, to

            escape its glare,

the question stood against me,

            bare and raw

Do you remember that boulevard?

which you used to walk upon!!!

My path alone...!!

Amidst the hundred glaring blinkers of light

I stood alone;

as I stood alone,

I watched everyone walking away

and I saw, among them, some

who were with me,

are no longer there

to hold weak me!

I raised a step to almost say,

‘wait for me,

I’ll come along!’

‘No!’ said my heart, instead, moving back

it’s my life, my path alone, I

have to walk here with no mate!!

           

Got in a train, with many others,

thought, then, I'm not alone, but

fallacy of mine was

crueller than a dream; as I

saw faces change with every stop!

it’s no moving train, no trees moving, it’s

just your life on a drifting spree!!

Everyone’s on a journey of their own and, so,

you don’t say,

‘wait for me,

I’ll come along!’

It’s your life, your path alone, you

have to walk here with no mate!!

It shall pass...!!!

Watching the window grill,
watching the rain drops drooping from it
watching the agony of them leaving each other
fools they were to have thought,
together, they were meant to be always, not
while they were destined...!!!

                     

I laughed despising their ignorance;
I sneered at their innocence
Be-calmingly as I walked to window grill,
realized a tear drop just near my chin
Jerking it off; I said, 'you are no mirror
to reflect my pain, but an oriel to show the worldly bane.'
Ran my fingers over the grill, setting
it free from the transient bond.

The next day came the glistening sun, filling
the window with the cheerful blaze; the grill shone bright and gay
and with no trace of woe...!!
The glint of it was chuckling now,
scorning at my tear-stains-as if to say-
Holding onto something that's not yours, never meant to be,
never will you achieve, even
if you cry your life out...!!
With the rain the drops should sag off,
with the tears the pain should slip by;
Let the time soothe your ache,
                   wiping your tears
With the moment passing, away from you
your pain too shall pass away
your pain shall pass away,
It shall pass away...!!!