Matter of hearts : Experiencing the heartbreak...!!!

                          'What is it?' asked my friend. My eyes were wet and voice choking. May be he understood that I wanted some quiet time; he didn't speak a word and sat beside me, silently.

                          'Don't keep any hopes on  me,' she said when I proposed her,'I don't believe in love.'

                           'You'll love me one day,' I said,' I shall wait until then.' I smiled and left.
                           I waited for her for five months, but never knew that I'll be paid such a reward for it. I  was walking in our college corridor when I heard a giggle through a narrow slit near the window. I peeped inside through the glass and my heart broke. She was kissing a guy! I love you my eyes read her lips. They hugged each other and my feelings were crumpled. I moved from there and sat on the stairs.

                                           
                                               
                               Why the hell did I fall in love with her, if she wasn't supposed to be mine? I wanted to shout. I was to be there I thought I was to be the one holding her. My lips were to be on hers. My hand was to be in her hand. I wanted to scream, I wanted to abuse, I wanted to cry ! But I sat silently, I couldn't stop tears escaping from my eyes, though!!

                                I slapped myself for dreaming about her, I slapped once again for waiting for her, I slapped hard for loving her!! Still it couldn't ease my pain. Though my cheeks were paining, my heart ache was harder to bear.

                                This is how it feels, may be, when someone you love loves someone else!! Your world seems stopped and heart beat not wanting to continue any more. Only thing that feels moving is their image in your mind.

                                'You OK now?' asked my friend.

                                I nodded. I have to be OK with this now I thought I have to live with this broken heart now !

                           'It feels much better now,' I said to his questioning eyes. I was narrating my friend the emotional breakdown that I went through few years ago and the similar one that he's experiencing now.
                            Everyone should go through it- the heart break-once in their life time, only then they'll understand importance of being loved and of those who love them...!!!

Matter of hearts:Forgive and Live...!!!

     I was feeling uncomfortable in her presence, but I couldn't leave.  I wanted to know what made her do that.  It was quite evident that she wasn't too comfortable; smiling tentatively, "How are you?' she asked.
'I'm okay,' I said, more hesitantly.  I looked at her; the same face, the one I was so hooked to that it was hard for me to take my eyes off. But now having a glance at her, seemed a kind of adventure that I didn't want to attempt.  But then again I had to see if she was happy, without me.  Her eyes shone bright, but that innocence she once had was missing.  Even though I knew her much better, she still seemed like a stranger to me.  The more I was with her, the more past was pulling me in.  An image of my tears in hands flashed infront of my eyes.

'I must go,' I said getting up abruptly.
'Now,' she asked looking up from her coffee cup, surprised.
'Yea, its quite urgent. Bye,' I said and left before she could say anything.
I regretted meeting her. Why did I meet her? I scolded myself, Why did she do that to me? came the second question to my mind. I loved her with all my heart. I did everything to make her happy. I always looked for ways to bring smile to her face. And what was I rewarded for it? Tears! Pain! Trauma! Why did she do that? came the question again to my mind.
                                                           

'I got attracted to him,'she said then,' I know what I did is wrong and I'm really sorry for it,' she added, couple of tears escaping her eyes.
Attracted?? Was that attraction so strong that it made you forget my love and leave me? I wanted to say Will  your sorry compensate the agony I went through? I had tears in my eyes and it no image this time.
'She wasn't worth your tears,' said my heart,'she doesn't deserve them.'
'They are not in my control,' I replied.
'Of course they are,' said my heart,' all you have to do to stop your tears is to just FORGIVE that person!!'
I sat silent for sometime and then asked,'Will that help? But how should I forgive her?'
'Its easy,'said the heart again,' just let go off the grudge and hatred.'
I thought for all night. The very next day I called her. 'Hey, thanks for meeting. Felt good,' I said.
Yes, it really feels good!!!

Matter of hearts:Erasing memories...!!!

                 'Everytime I see this place, my heart burns,' said my friend; I was standing in our college corridor. I gave him a confused look. 'This was the place,' he pointed me at the ground, a few steps away, 'I proposed her right there.'

                'Its been an year, bro,' I placed my hand on his shoulder,'you need to move on.'

                'Yeah, Its been an year, but still I'm not able to get over her. She is in every thought of mine.' He was close to tears. I gripped him tighter, it wasn't enough to hold his emotions. I saw the tears brimming his eyes and thereby pushed each other out. He wiped them midway and turned away from me. 'I wish I had an eraser for memories,' he said before I saw him walking away.

                 His wish sounded familiar to me. Even I wished for an eraser that could just wipe off those hurting memories from our lives. I wouldn't be surprised if you feel the same way. We all have memories- some we want to relive and some others we never want to remember. The best thing about our mind is it preserves all our pleasant moments, and the worst thing is it never removes the bad ones. Mind is not to be blamed though, how is it supposed to know what pleases us and what doesn't.

                                     
                                                    

                  'I forget everything and start afresh.' I often hear this and I myself said this quite a few times. But do we really forget everything? Do we really start everything from the scratch? Can we?

                  No! We don't start anything afresh. We just believe that nothing ever happened before. We try to overlook our past. We restrict ourselves from turning back and keep believing that there's nothing left behind. We just fool ourselves!! But the harsh truth is-we never forget anything, all we do is just ignore it! And believe me that's the only best we can do!!
                 Memories are like leaves.  When a leaf is abandoned from the tree, it falls on the ground, gets trampled by the people, scatters along with the wind and finally it is buried making everyone forget of its existence.Same is with memories if you want to forget some moments of your life just ignore it, don't just ignore it trample it with other memories and bury it deep in your heart. Never let it breath because if it breaths it will suffocate your being.
                  I once promised myself that I'll never think about this girl, never look at her. Everything went fine until one day in our college-I was standing in our college ground. Don't know but I just turned back, she was standing at a distance; sun rays were falling on her and she shone even more. Like always she didn't notice that I was noticing her. My conscience was shouting from inside,'Take your eyes off her!!' I was trying to, I swear, I tried but it was like a spell, and I was losing myself...again!! All the moments of mine with her rose from their graves-her smiling at me, her talking flashed in my eyes again. My efforts of forgetting her were ruined and I'm the one responsible.
                 Memories once written can never be erased no matter how hard you try!! You can never forget some moments, all you can do is just fool yourself that you do. Because some Matter of hearts cannot be removed!!!

Matter of hearts: Love but don't beg....!!!

         'If you have any hopes on me, just kill them!' she said rather courteously. He got down on his knees. 'Please,' he was looking at her expectantly,'I really love you.' She started walking, leaving him on his knees and in tears. When she passed me I could see disgust in her eyes. I hated it-not her disgust but his pleading. I put my hand on his shoulder and he got up on his feet but couldn't from his pain. I looked at his wet eyes, 'Who says boys don't cry?' I asked myself.

'Was she worth crying for?' I asked him.
'You'll not understand,' he said poetically.
I'm happy I don't I wanted to say. 'Why were you pleading her to love you?' I asked.
'Because I love her,' he said.
'So?'I asked him back. This must have pissed him a bit more, he left after saying,'You'll never understand because you don't love anyone.'

                                      
              I unfolded the letter which I took out from my wallet. It was crumpled, actually I did. I wrote that letter for the one I loved (I still do), but didn't give it to her. Reason: A day after I proposed to her, and she rejected (quite obvious), she shook her head so scornfully that I got my message. But I couldn't stop loving her. The letter I wrote was:

              Its not that I didn't like anyone before.I was attracted to girls, had relationships, wonderful one but didn't go long. I had reasons for liking them, I was bowled over by their beauty and charm. But with you it was different,I wasn't attracted to your beauty, not that you are not beautiful, you are gorgeous..seriously!! I honestly don't know what dragged my senses to you. I just fell for you, fell in love with you.
                I'm not writing this letter to request you to love me. I just wanted you to know that I love you, that there is someone out there who is always wishing for your happiness, that there is someone you can be sure of will never leave you no matter what !! I'm not making any sacrifice. If you are to be mine, you will !! I'm sure of it. For now I'm happy you are a part of my heart. I'm lucky to have this habit of being happy and satisfied with whatever little I get. So, I'm happy with those few smiles you gave me, with those few words you shared with me, with those few memories you, unwantedly, gifted me.
                                    Love you, always.
              I placed it back in my wallet, and stood in the corridor looking at the blank sky.
'Why does anyone kneel down in front of someone who don't give a damn?' came out of my mouth.
'None of my business,' I said consciously.
'Why do they beg for love?' I again lost control over my words.
'I can't fight it anymore,' I said and lost myself in the thoughts.
               It became a regular sight of guys getting down on the kneels and asking girls to love them back, and a habit for girls to ask them to kill their hopes. I'm not against asking someone if they love you but pleading someone to love you is not a part of the love !! The only law of love is not to expect anything in return, not even love !!
                   Don't insult love by begging for it. Its not something you beg, it should be earned !! Only person you kneel down for should be the ONE WHO LOVES YOU. If you think that by pleading you'll get someone's love then let me tell you, all you'll get is pity and you know its not worth it. Don't make lovers look so cheap by crying, by begging. Don't forget that not everyone can love, not everyone have such a heart. So don't hang your head, hold it high because you have something that others don't; then what if that one person is missing? You have love for them. Isn't that enough???

Matter of hearts: Accept & Live with it....!!!

              'Screw me!! Why do I love her?' I heard my friend mumbling. I didn't respond. 'Why doesn't she love me?' he said again. His voice was choking. I looked at him this time-eyes half filled with tears and looking straight. I followed his eyes to see a girl, wearing a maroon salwar kameez, walking away from us; actually from his life!! But he was still stuck to her. And I was stuck to his question, 'What do I do now?'
               I watched a movie, named Mr Popper's penguins, few days ago in which a daughter asks her father the same question,'What do you do when you like someone and they don't like you back?'
               'So, its a universal problem!' I sighed. 'Isn't there any solution for this universal problem?' I asked myself.

                Yes, may be or may be no! Even I have no idea. I asked my friends this question and got some rather interesting answers.
The very first reply:
Play mind games. Trick her into your love. Make her realize that you love her truly with all your heart and can even die for her.
                 'Rubbish!!' shouted my heart. 'Do we really die if someone doesn't love us back?'  was the first question that hit me. NO! came the instant reply from inside of me. It may just pain us and make us feel like we're dying but we actually don't! Even if you can trick someone into your love, you have to keep doing that all your life; you have to deceive her everytime. If someone says that they love you only because you love them then its not worth it guys. Its better they don't love you; because it will end one day or the other. That feeling will be gone.
Reason: They just love you becoz you love them and not because their heart & soul  is saying them to. They are compromising but there shouldn't be any compromises in love!!
                                                   
                                                       
The second reply was:
Love someone else.
                   This usually comes from the practical guys. 'There's no dearth of girls,' they say. True! There may not be any dearth of girls, but there is of space in our hearts which can only hold one person!! It would've been much better if we could switch our feelings the way we want. May be then this 'no dearth of girls' statement would've made sense.
The third reply:
Wait for someone better.
                   'I wasn't talking about buying a new mobile, that you wait for a better model,' I wanted to say. But on a second thought I realized what the person was hinting at. If you love someone then there should be someone who loves you too. But the main question is would you be in a state of accepting their love?? Would you even take your mind off the one you love to think about someone who loves you??
I just wished if love obeyed Newton's III law-every action gives back equal reaction. Then every feeling of our heart would have been reciprocated, perhaps. Since its not the case lets come back to reality. As long as love doesn't follow any law or rule, we cannot find an answer to our universal question. All we can do is accept and live with the fact that the love we love doesn't love us back!! And how to do that? Well time and life are two cruel teachers guys. Time will drag you along, by your collar, mercilessly, and life will make you realize, each day, that the person is left behind. If you are lucky then one day you'll realize that their memories are buried deep down your heart with those couple of tears you shed.
                   Finally a quote from Chetan Bhagat's new novel: Its amazing to be in love only when the other person loves you back!!
                   So all you one-sided lovers we have no other option but to live with this not so amazing feeling and sing Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di....!!!!