Being a Hindi-speaking South Indian!

I was stripped stark naked,

By keepers of heritage,

That’s what they claimed to be.

Smelled my skin

for a whiff of my religion,

Dissected my body

to look into my caste.

‘Where do you belong from?’ They probed. 

‘Where do I belong?’ They made me wonder.

Am I fair enough 

not to be an outcast?

Or am I too dark

to be on their side?

The borders that they traced

with human blood.

Am I not human enough

to blur those bloodlines?

Idli-sambar, lungi, madrasi, similarly-sounding languages and dark complexion - these are some of the things that cross people's mind when they think of the word 'South India'. But the things that prominently draw a wedge between South and North India are dark complexion and Hindi language. It is a very common perception that South Indians dislike Hindi and North Indians love Hindi, while in reality people from every state love their own language - if you're from Tamil Nadu you'll love Tamil, if you're from Gujarat you'll love Gujarati, if you're from Andhra Pradesh, you'll love Andhra-slang Telugu and if you're from Telangana you'll love Telangana-slang Telugu.

But in my case, I'm from Telangana and my mother tongue is Hindi, which is not uncommon in Hyderabad. However, when a larger picture was painted where people from other states and regions barged in I began to realize what identity crisis feels like. Sadly further, being a Hindi-speaking South India is more or less a taboo. And this is for a very simple but dented logic - If you're Hindi speaking person, you're a North Indian and if you're a South Indian, Hindi can't be your language.

I would've complied with that logic still if not for my skin colour. I have a dark complexion, which 'discredits' me from being a North Indian because incidentally all the North Indians are fair and all the South Indians are dark. (Yes, that's a very racist perception, but then who're more racist than we Indians, right?)

I didn't have this problem until I finished schooling. But when I started college and eventually working, one question I frequently faced was: How come your mother tongue is Hindi if Hyderabad is your native? It should be Telugu, no? Things got tricky when AP was bifurcated because Telugu-speaking people started choosing between AP and Telangana. I handled it gently as I chose to say 'I'm a Hyderabadi first', which was true though.

My identity crisis worsened when I started working in a place where there were people from different states proudly flaunting the consistency of their language and nativity - or maybe I imagined them flaunting it. Some tried to find 'my roots' by dissecting my surname. It was similar to that of Maharashtrians and people declared that I may be a Marathi. I'm not sure if my ancestors ever been to that state and the one time I've been to Mumbai I'm pretty certain I didn't have any 'deja vu' sort-of feeling, which they usually show in movies.

But then, I took it upon myself to find 'my roots' and I zeroed in on Ayodhya as many people from my community claimed that we are the descendants of some Surya Vamshi clan. I successfully found a link from a word in a Telugu song from the movie 'Sri Ramadasu' and rejoiced. But, do I have to play that song everytime someone questions 'my roots'?

I found my peace after I decided that I don't have to entertain anyone who wonders about my roots just because I'm a specimen that disturbs their stereotype of South India or of Hindi-speaking people. And also, I'm not the only one. There's a Marathi-speaking South Indian, a Punjabi-speaking South Indian just like there are Telugu-speaking North Indians and Malayali-speaking North Indians.

So, let's tweak the decades-long slogan of 'India is a diverse nation with various languages', by adding 'people speaking these varied tongues are spread across the country, but this is one nation'.

Life Isn’t Fair, But Then What Is?

Life isn't fair and it is never going to be fair, you're going to face adversities more than anyone else. You'll suffer heartbreaks more than anyone else. But it's only more when you compare your life with others. Else it's just the struggle enough to smooth your rough edges, get your crooked back straight. The more the artist works on a diamond, the more it comes out shining, these adversities are the artists. But if you break down, you’ll be put aside in a pile of dirt.

Don’t expect anyone to bring rainbow to your life. Only you can make yourself happy, no one else has the strength to do so. If you feel that the love of your life makes you happy, it's only because you gave him/her that privilege! You have capability to control who will make you happy and who'll hurt you. But are you willing to take up this responsibility?

                                                                                

You always have a choice. You don't like a person, ignore him, you don't like a place leave. If you don't like your life, change the way you live! To do that, you'll have to empty that mind of yours filled with over thinking, fear, insecurity and anguish. Let it out, open up that clenched fist and feel the cool breeze. Fill your heart with love, and compassion. How can you see sunshine when you're eyes are still clouded with tears?

Don't go around finding the people who love you, you're worth loving, let them stumble upon and discover you. Don't yearn for their admiration, you're not painting to look at and be praised. You're waves that only few notice and those who do enjoy your serene rhythm!

Write your story before you lose yourself in crowd!

I chose. I chose not to spend my life sitting hours on stretch infront of a laptop, typing on someone else's orders, look at the clock for breaks, define myself through my bosses’ appraisal. I chose to let go of my ego, desire to be on top, promotions, hikes and that sham respect. 

I chose to break free, to kill the routine, to not wait for a weekend. I chose my life to be a vacation. I chose to pack my bag, dust off my bike, and start off to unknown place, exploring the world. I chose to see for myself everything that I heard, to feel for myself everything I read, to live myself everything I was told. I chose to sleep under the open skies beneath the stars, and wake up to the sun rays hugging me warm.

I chose to write for myself, without any fear of deadlines, pressure of competition, criticism of ignorant. I chose to sit facing the sea, on the sand, listening to the mighty waves, making me feel worthless, and in that I chose to define my worth. I chose to stand on the peak of a mountain and face wild wind pushing me away, making me feel fragile. I chose to stand there looking at the chain of mountains making me feel so puny. In the vastness of sea and highness of mountains, I chose to see my pending exploration. I chose peace in my adventure. 

I chose not to bog down by jabs of life, harshness of lies, pain of loss. I chose the courage to slip through the abyss of unknown only to find the true self of me. I chose to write my verse in the peaceful chasm of messy life. 

Choose to write to your story, contribute your verse, for you not know what you'll regret tomorrow.

Life at 25 in a nutshell!!

Dear 25 year old myself,

You must feel you’ve come a long way, experienced probably enough to pass through your coming years, and have courage to face any adversity come what may.

But let me tell you the truth that’s buried deep down in your heart.

You lack the courage to give up your current well-paying job for an opportunity that takes you closer to your dream; you would’ve done that at the start of your career, but now, you’re just too scared. You think about the salary, company reputation. Funny, how you never thought about these things when you were fresh out of college - you only thought of taking the step that would take you closer to your ambition, which was never money.

You had dreams, and will and courage to take up the chances. Now you have dreams, but no courage to take up chances - you think with your mind. Your heart is veiled with insecurities and fear of destroying what you’ve built. If what you built needs protection, it isn’t worthy of being feared for.

It's not the late night chats that keep you awake, rather a question chasing you, a question which is ambiguous, yet demands an answer. Sometimes you know the question but you seek luxury of ignorance.

You glimpse at that pretty girl riding next you, but then your mind suddenly thinks about the fuel in your bike - when did I get the tanker filled? How many days passed since then?  How many more days for next refuel? How much money do I have left in the bank account? Will I survive with the balance money? I should postpone the bike servicing. Thank god I don't have a girlfriend! You heave sigh.

You now know love at first sight and all those great love stories are just fiction. And after all those relationships and breakups, now you know there's no such thing as soul mate, love just grows over time,and you just grow to love that person.

Now you long for little talk with your mother over incessant chatting marathons. You precisely understand every word that she says, which you never paid attention to, or didn't understand even when you did. You respect them more realizing how they went through their life and their struggles, while always keeping a smile ready for you.

You are mature now, atleast that's what the society says. Oh, yes, what society thinks of you matters now. You want to work in a reputed company for a heavy salary, ride an expensive bike only to impress the society.

But, this isn’t what I dreamed for you. This is exactly the opposite. You’re not meant to be caged, even if it’s your abstract thoughts - break free. Chase your dreams, and cherish your journey. Take that bike ride you’ve been postponing. Find yourself, gather the courage to take up that challenge and do what you always wanted to, after all, like Robin Williams said, ‘You’re given one little spark of madness, you mustn’t lose it.’

Why do you want to settle down when life itself never stops, but moves on?

Stand up for something - good or bad

Stand up for something - good or bad

Make your voice heard - loud and clear

Speak out - let the world know you have the power of words.

Make them heard. Make them hear you,

raise the tone if they don't, intensify the power of your words -

challenge them to avoid you, and fail them.

They'll mock you, criticize you.

Don't let that bog you down.

None said it's going to be easy.

It wasn't worth doing if it was easy.

Pull up your courage, fasten your thoughts, let the world know you have a voice.

Stand up for something - good or bad

Make your voice heard - loud and clear

You'll falter, you'll break and you'll go down in dust.

But, never accept the defeat.

You are never finished until you say you are.

Don't let them decide when you are done. You stay up, you stay strong.

Stand up for something - good or bad

Make your voice heard - loud and clear

Let them say things about you, because that's all they can do.

You rise above from them and make your own ground.

You give in your soul and heart, and everything you can.

Make it happen and rise above.

Stand up for something - good or bad

Make your voice heard - loud and clear

Open Letter To Every Newly Married Friend!

It was one of the happiest days of my life. Seeing you as a bride and more importantly, a happy one, would be a memory I will cherish throughout my life. Whenever you looked at your better half, I could see the love and trust needed in such a special relationship. You've finally found that special person, or may be, he found you, or even better, you both found each other.

However, I couldn't help but say that this day has also made me realize that it's time for me to take a small step back. It's time for your better half to fill the space that I had occupied. Although, it makes me feel insecure, I genuinely understand, accept and want him to take that place of best friend in your life.

                                                                     

But, I want to make some promises from the depth of my heart.

I promise, I'll be patient and wait to wish you birthday after he wishes you first and will step back when you have a dilemma of whom to offer the first piece of cake. I'll understand when you reveal that big news to him first and then to me. I'll accept the priorities of your life when you give my birthday a miss to celebrate his big day. I'll not mind when you share the drink with him, like we did.

I'll understand when you, liberately or deliberately, hide things from me, just because you don't feel like disclosing your inside jokes. I'll not mind when you say, 'you'll not understand' when you share your marriage problems. I'll always be on your side, whenever you need me. I'll be content being second on your emergency dial list. I'll not complain when you postpone our plans of doing things together for your family commitments. I'll still be happy if you spare time to call me on my birthday and talk heartily.

And here are the list of promises, I seek from you. 

That you'll, atleast, read the messages I send you. Share your problems, even if you feel I'll not understand them. Never apologize to cancel or postpone our meetings for your family. That you'll never let the memories you have of me fade away from your mind. And, finally, wish me on my birthday in person or through a telephone call, but not in whatsapp or Facebook.

Your Wedding Invitation and Scars of Love!

As I saw you walking towards me, all the moments we spent together - right from the first time I saw you in that black dress to the first kiss - flashed in my mind. I was looking at you trying to avoid any eye-contact. I waved at you like the first time we met; you chose to give a humble smile and continued to walk, as I followed you.

It seemed different walking with you, I was never used to your silence - never wanted to get used to it. As we walked from the parking lot, my ears were longing to hear you speak, to hear you blabber, like you did the last time we came here - your words filling my existence, hands slipping into mine and eyes looking through my soul. I looked at you, you were calm as moon, while my whole being was at unrest like the waves in ocean.

In those 232 seconds of walk, I looked at you 200 times, I stumbled four times, but you looked at me 0 times. I opened the door of the restaurant for you. Thank you, you said below your breath, that was the first time you talked to me in weeks, after my repeated requests to meet you. You replied after my 50 messages with address of the place and time of meeting.

You brought out a cream-colored invitation card and passed it on to me. I held it carefully, despite knowing it was something I want to destroy. I gave a fake smile and read your name on your wedding card. I liked the font and the way letter S was stretched to link it with the groom’s name. You were seated quietly, while my emotions were in chaos watching my world, my universe slipping out of my life and I’m helplessly trying to hold back the fading fleck.

I laughed, remembering that it was the same place where you placed your head on my shoulder and filled the gap of my fingers, saying, ‘I want to marry you, only you!’ ‘I promise,’ I said that day. I’m sorry.

I looked at you to check if the same thought crossed your mind. You looked at me, straight into my eyes, after what felt like ages. My eyes brimmed, blurring the vision.

‘Bye,’ you said and started walking towards the door. I stood there holding your wedding invitation and the scars you left on my soul!

*Image Courtesy: Transcending Oblivion

Life: You have it figured out? Think again!

Life! Undoubtedly, the biggest mystery. 

Just when you think you have it all figured out, it give will give you such a major thud that you'll wonder - where the hell am I going? Or, what the hell am I doing? You'll wonder how everything that seemed clear and unambiguous, has suddenly blurred, which is often worse than getting blind.

They say, life throws struggles at you to make you feel alive. Life is something that wakes you up in the middle of the night after you put yourself to sleep with great difficulty. Life is something that will push you to write down your feelings, but with a question mark of where to begin. Life is something that will make you feel warmer walking on empty roads on a cold night rather than sitting among people. 

                                                                      

When you whine over people not understanding you or misunderstanding you, life will tell you that it's never about what they feel about you, rather about your conscience. Sometimes you try to live in the memories, which seems much dear and happy than the present; but those moments were also your 'present' sometime back. Like a quote says, 'The future is scary, but you can't just run back to the past because it's familiar. Yes it's tempting, but it's a mistake'.

In the dark of the night, you hold all those memories tight, afraid and unwilling to let them go and face the life. Life can be happy, sad, challenging, disappointing, hurtful, hateful or loving, but never constant. Life is like ocean, when you see it from a hilltop it might seem appealing and beautiful, but only when you stand facing it, you'll understand its strength to snatch you away from the ground and whirl you around.

But then again, life is about getting yourself lost, only to find the real you!

Life teaches you to live!

Stand up and look around – Everything and everyone around will seem chaotic, incomplete, and utter distress. You will come across the shreds of human emotions abandoned and un-cared for. But look a little closer, a little deeper, you'll realize each one of them is trying to survive, trying to get past this day – some with broken and depressed dreams and some in hope of a better tomorrow.

But, they are living, moving on in life weaving new dreams each day – which they are not sure will be fulfilled – they are hoping. They put up a smile and survive the odds of life. They are not fake, but brave – brave enough to face life each day instead of its blows that break them down. They get up and smile at life, each day.

You might think your life is unworthy of living, your heart unworthy of love, your feelings unworthy of being felt – You are not alone; everyone feels that way and it's not because we are unworthy, rather because we are vulnerable – vulnerable to emotions, to love. And that vulnerability is driven from passion, we thrive for passion.

                                                                             

You might have to face the moment when someone breaks your trust, when you lose someone, when you see your dreams shattered to the fragments of imagination, when you feel helpless and overpowered. You might curse life for that, hate your luck. But life isn't about that moment, life is what teaches you to wipe your tears off and look away from darker side. Life is what makes you realize that you are strong – stronger than you ever thought you are!

Life is what keeps to pushing to the brighter side!

Hope – You can do it!

You have a dream, you try to achieve it. You give up all the pleasures, you give up every other important thing, you’ll stop going to social gatherings – trying to achieve that one dream you'll give up your sleep.  Your aching eyes only make you feel closer to achieving it.

It can’t be done! You’ll fail! People around you will mock you, try to stop you, make fun of you and try to drift you away from your ambition. You’ll overcome every challenge. However, you might not succeed in achieving your dream – you’ll work and work.

Only when you realize that meaning of a dream is not achieving it, but enjoying the journey to it, you’ll achieve the success, which is the satisfaction of spending each day with hope. Because hope is the primary feeling that man survives and thrives on!

                                                               

Image courtesy: goodreads.com

Letters for you: When it wasn't time!

To someone I stayed awake for

Talking to you all day became a part of my life and slowly, but eventually, I became a part of your life. I became your friend, a close one, so much so that you came down from your apartment upon my request at 12’o clock in the midnight.

“What are you doing here, at this time?” you said with a cute shrug and smile. With a side braid and absolutely no make-up, I saw the most beautiful girl standing along with me.

How many times, how many times will you make me feel vulnerable with your subtlety!

“A ride?” I said you patting on the pillion seat of my bike. You raised your brow and folded your hands.

“Just kidding,” I said, drawing out a thermos from the bike pouch, “How about a cup of tea?”

You smiled. “Ok, I feel I understand what you’re trying to do here.”

“What are you talking about? I’m just trying to have a cup of tea with you,” I said, making myself comfortable on the grass patch adjacent to the parking area.
                                                                              

“I would always have midnight coffees with my apartment friends in Vizag. I so missed that here. Thank you!” you said holding my hand. I smiled and handed you your cup.

“Umm, wow,” you said sipping the tea, “Don’t tell me you made it.”

I laughed, “I pray guilty your honor, I confess I made it.”

"Why are you doing this for me?" you asked, holding the cup with both your hands.

"Ah, honestly, I'm not doing anything for you; I'm actually tring to make it a date!" I winked. You chuckled.

"Can I ask you something?" you asked.

I knew we are meant to be. But I wanted to do much more before earning your love. I wanted to make you the happiest person in the world.

"It isn't time yet," I smiled.

You looked deep into my eyes – a look that I can never forget in my life!

From someone who stayed awake to fulfill your dreams

Letters for you: The best Coffee I ever had!

To someone I had the best coffee with,

“Shall we meet?” I typed.

“When and where?” came your reply.

I smiled the happiest smile in my life.

It was a Friday, and you were looking gorgeous wearing a red colored chiffon shirt over black pants. I watched you walking all the way from the cafeteria door to the chair opposite me.

You smiled. I fell in love with you a little more.

You looked at the coffee cup that has been waiting for you to have a sip of. I watched you as your fair long fingers wrapped around the cup and picked it up to your lips, after which I could see only your eyes through the vapor rising from the coffee. It was the best coffee I ever had, and I guess you know why!

“So, how did you get my mail ID?”

“How wouldn’t I get?” I said with a boastful smile.

“Yea, how difficult that would’ve been for someone who traced my Facebook ID,” she said before taking one more sip. I wore a guilty expression.

We talked for 15 minutes and 30 seconds, including the time I walked you till your work station. Our first 15 minutes and 30 seconds together!

Although I already knew much of what you said, I felt closer to you listening that again from you.  Born and brought up in Vizag, you moved to Hyderabad for your graduation and got a job here. I still laugh at the way you said ‘and I ended up here with this job’. I made a vow at that very moment to make you feel like you’re at your hometown.

From someone who vowed to make you happy.






*Image courtesy of Shutterstock

Letters for you: When I was too happy to sleep!

To someone whose memories keep me awake all night

“Beautifully drawn…appreciated :)”

I read your message and recalled the first meeting of ours.

You were standing near my desk, looking at the painting I had put up there a day before. Indian epic warrior Arjuna stretches his bow string, pointing an arrow against his great grandfather and invincible warrior Bheeshma who lets his bow to slip from his hand. Bheeshma adorns a content smile, while Arjuna’s eyes curtained with tears.

I said hi, in probably the most awkward way possible. You turned to me.

“Is that yours? Where did you get it?” you asked.

“Ah, actually, I painted it.”

Oh, I’m very sorry!” you said biting your tongue, “It’s very beautiful. I’m sorry.”

I took a picture of the painting and sent it to you through Facebook Messenger. I waited all the day for your reply, which didn’t come until two days. You never revealed the reason for a delay of two days.

                                                                        

After the excitement and intimidation consumed me, I replied ‘Thank You.’, that must have been a very simple message for you, but for me it took 12 times of typing and deleting. I know you don’t believe it even now and would raise your brows like you did when I first told you – I kissed you, then.

A week passed with both of us stealing glances at each other, and neither of us gathering courage to come up and speak.

I sent you the next painting of the series: Bheeshma lying on the bed of arrows and Arjuna, stooped to his knees and head hung. His famed bow, Gandiva, beside him, abandoned.

“Again beautifully drawn” you replied.

“Really?”

“Yes, it is. So, are you painting the whole Mahabharata series?”

“No, just the scenes between Arjuna and Bheeshma; theirs' is the most uncelebrated relation.”

“Exactly!” you said and began our conversation which went on until 12:10, when you said you were going to ‘doze off’! I stayed up all night reading our conversation. I was in love!

From someone who’s awake waiting for your text

*Picture Courtesy of HinduHumanRights

Letters for you: Your first message to me!

To someone who messaged me happiness

Your first message to me!

I know I’ve skipped a part here, but I had waited enough for this instance, to describe how I felt the moment I saw your name on my cell phone.

Oh, how can I – how can anyone – describe a moment so intimidating? How can anyone describe the moment when your heart-beats is the only sound you could hear?How can anyone describe an intense gush of feeling so strong that you fear it might destroy your soul?

I just sat looking at the notification, too happy to open the text; actually, too terrified of its contents.

                                                                           

All the same, I couldn’t stop myself for long from reading it.

“Beautifully drawn…appreciated J”

I read it. Re-read it. Re-read it. Re-read it. The more times I read, the more I realized how much I love you and I read it again. I never thought that a message – three words – 27 letters – could give me so much happiness, which could last for so long – forever.

That one moment became such a treasure that I can trade my soul to revisit it.

Thank you for the message that gave me an example to understand the beauty of love, that gave me a reason to believe in love, that gave me hope to seek your love, which I did and which I will do for the rest of my life – in my merry and my dejection, in my joy and my solitude – thanking you for your first message to me.

Thank you for the message!

From someone who thanks you for that one message.

Letters for you: When I wanted to be close to you!

To someone I wanted to be close with,

Thank you, Google Maps!

There was a time when people looked at the moon, to convince themselves that they aren’t very far away from their loved ones; but now pining lovers use Google Maps to feel themselves closer to their special someone. At least I do!

I look at the vague image of your building that Google Maps offers and wondering what time you come up on to the terrace – probably evening I told myself. I imagined you strolling around in your loose white t-shirt, your hairs tied up and feet bare. Looking at the setting sun flaring its last rays for the day – subtle, yet bright and yes, the wind always knows the right time to make its presence felt.

                                                                         

I checked for the distance to your house from my place – 20km or 50 minutes, seven minutes more from my grandmother’s home and 20 minutes from the office. The Chocolate Room we always met at was 10 minutes from your house and its placement was nicely enveloped around by huge apartment buildings. Yes, it was this reason I always insisted on meeting there and not because I love Russian Paninos there.

I know it might come off as if I’m stalking you, but hell with it. I pray guilty as charged!

Love makes you do all the crazy things, which seem ingenious and necessary at that moment. But, the only crazy thing I was doing was dreaming, dreaming of being with you. Being a part of your life!

From someone who was always around

Letters for you: When I made you my world!

To someone I made my world,

‘I hate weekends!’ I said.

‘You hate weekends because you’re too lazy to make any plans?’ you said with an irritated face, before I held your arm and lightly pulled you near me to say, ‘I hate weekends because I don’t get to spend as much time with you as I do on weekdays.’

The first weekend after I realized I’m in love with you was the longest and tiring, with me just knowing your first name, I spent two days scanning Facebook to find your account. I recollected every face I’ve seen around you and checked if anyone of them was in my friends list. I lost count of how many of them I’ve visited. But when I saw your picture, every ounce of pain I had in my eyes felt worthy of it.

Your delicate face, dainty eyes and a spellbinding smile – magical!

                                                                          

Everytime I saw you in the office, I felt the magic, probably, the one Calvin said in the movie ‘Ruby Sparks’ – One may see this and think its magic; but falling in love is an act of magic.

I watched your favorite movie, If Only, whenever I missed you – that was almost every minute. I felt closer to you knowing that you too have watched this movie. I wondered where you’d have smiled, what dialogue touched your heart and what moment made you sad; did you watch this movie on your laptop and closed your eyes when Jennifer Love Hewitt sang ‘Love will show you everything’, like I’m doing right know?

‘One day when youth is just a memory

I know you'll be standing right next to me’

You walked by me, smiling, your eyes lit up in excitement, unaware of my existence, while I made you my world!

You became so important that I became incomplete without you. My laugh wasn’t loud enough and my smile wasn’t hearty; your smile was the only thing that made me happy!

I hope you’ll be around to share this story with me when this time will just be a memory!

I just hope!

From someone who hoped for impossible.